Brush with the Law

An article from the Ovi magazine

Following the previous pathetic banning of Punch and Judy Shows and the demise of the Golliwog, Britain has finally arrived in ‘Looney-Land-City-Centre’ with the announcement this week that Northamptonshire police are investigating a complaint of racism against BBC children’s television mini-star Basil Brush.

With teenage stabbings and binge-drinking reaching worrying proportions, how have we finally reached rock bottom with the possibility of the police interviewing a ‘GLOVE PUPPET’!! My God, I really cannot believe I’ve just written that.

As yet, his face hasn’t appeared on any ‘wanted’ posters or appeals for his whereabouts made on ‘Crimewatch’ but police are anxious to interview the cunning Mr. Brush in relation to allegations made under the 1976 Race Relations Act. Witnesses to the dastardly crime have reported last seeing him wearing a furry coat, sporting a rather dashing bushy tail and with a hand stuffed up his rectum. Children’s favourite Mr. Brush has refused to make a statement other than his traditional "Boom Boom!!"

So what despicable sin has the notorious Mr. Brush been accused of? Well, during an episode that has now been repeatedly shown on T.V. up to eight times, without complaint, and also appears on his DVD ‘Basil Unleashed’, Basil’s ‘friend’ Mr. Stephen falls under a Gypsy’s spell to make him more attractive to women. Basil’s neighbour Dame Rosie Fortune tries to sell Basil wooden clothes pegs and lucky heather and even offers to read his palm, or is it paw? The astute Basil is having none of it and tells her, “I went to a fortune-teller once and he told me I was going on a long journey. He then stole my wallet and I had to walk all the way home. Boom Boom!!”

Joseph Jones, vice-chairman of the Southern England Romany Gipsy and Irish Travellor Network of no fixed abode, well he wouldn’t have would he, complains, “We are fed up with making complaints made about stereotypical comments made about us” basing his complaint that Gypsies no longer sell lucky heather and pegs for a living.

Of course he is absolutely right, because the modern traveller just moves his caravan on to land illegally towed by the latest 4 x 4, lives off state benefits and supplements his income tarmacing drives and rifling through other people's sheds when they are out.

When will this absolute nonsense all end? If Basil is arrested, will the police have handcuffs small enough! Will they be forced into investigating other atrocities, such as Windy Miller being drunk on cider while in possession of a windmill, or Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb operating an all-white recruitment policy at Trumpton Fire Station or will social services be taking action over Andy Pandy being forced to live in a box with Loopy Loo and Teddy.

Is it really fair that Postman Pat refuses to take early retirement with the closure of rural Post Offices and when ‘elf and safety’ see Bob the Builder clinging on the outside of Scoop as he hurtles through the streets of Bobsville he’ll be closed down for good.

Boom Boom!!

by Clint Wayne